NATTER: MY WILL

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my Jim Beam and Coke.

He's such a bastard!

NATTER: CASH FOR CLUNKERS

The 'CASH FOR CLUNKERS PROGRAM' was Obama’s answer to stimulate the economy and bail out the automobile industry. Many Americans brought their old cars to the car dealers and received a sizeable discount on a new car, thank’s to the American Government.

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR………


If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it…………..

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS.......... I QUALIFY!!!!!

NATTER: METEOROLOGY - AUSTRALIAN STYLE

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.


But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

NATTER: OH DEAR

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered - I was listening to my iPod!!!!

NATTER: NEW DEFINITIONS

School: A place where Father pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature..

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

NATTER: LOVE STORY

I will seek you and find you...

I will take you to bed and have my way with you...

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan...

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop...

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you...

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Swine Flu….Bwah….ha….ha….ha...


Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot. Oh no….I forgot….we have to wait for October to get our swine flu shots…..if we are lucky!

NATTER: BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my right and there was this woman in a brand new BMW doing 110 kmh with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear…… which fell into the coffee between my legs…..splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins……ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected a very, very important call.


BLOODY women drivers!!!

NATTER: DEBT

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times - everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.


The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government (most governments, actually) is doing business today!

NATTER: LESSONS IN LOGIC

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate.

But if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect.....

So why practice?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If it's true that we are here to help others....

Then what exactly are the others here for?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since light travels faster than sound...

People appear bright until you hear them speak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Money is not everything.

There's MasterCard & Visa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every man should marry.....

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wise never marry.

And when they marry they become otherwise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never put off the work till tomorrow....

What you can put off today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Your future depends on your dreams'....

So go to sleep!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There should be a better way to start a day...

Than waking up every morning

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Hard work never killed anybody'

But why take the risk?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Work fascinates me'......

I can look at it for hours

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The more you learn, the more you know.

The more you know, the more you forget.

The more you forget, the less you know.

So.. why learn???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say!?

NATTER: THE PASTOR’S ASS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery….even shorten your life!

So be yourself and enjoy life. And stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer…..

Have a nice day!

NATTER: LAWYERS!

1. PORSCHE AND THE LAWYER

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop might try to make it new again.

His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before ,was now completely ruined and would never be same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'Oh my god!' screamed the lawyer.

'My Rolex!!!'


2. BAR TALK

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says, 'Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?'


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, 'Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'

NATTER: LETTER TO GOD

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.


One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna

NATTER: THE BEAR, THE LION AND THE PIG

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.


Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."


Lion says: "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."


Pig says: "Big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear!!!"

QUOTE OF THE DAY

NATTER: DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS...

Or should we say the uncertainty of the English language?!

---------------------------------------------------------

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on $ex, marriage, and family values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked, 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said. 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

------------------------------------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

------------------------------------------------------------

NATTER: THREE LADIES IN A SAUNA

THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. ‘I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM’.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY TECH INADEQUATE. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........’WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!’

NATTER: GENERATIONS

The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.

The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959.

Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979.

Generation Y are people born between 1980 and 1995.

Why do we call the last one generation Y?

I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below... So, I learned something new today!


Have a great day!

PS: The secret to happiness is a good sense of humour and a bad memory.

NATTER: SMARTY PANTS!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

And to think I liked the little sh!t head.....

NATTER: THE NEW HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells NEW HUSBANDS has opened in New York, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the HUSBAND STORE to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the HUSBAND STORE.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a NEW WIVES store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex and never suffer from headaches.

The second floor has wives that love sex, never suffer from headaches, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!!!!!

NATTER: YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 WHEN…..

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list!